I've been writing a lot recently about my cognitive motions, but not a whole lot about my outer motions. Nor can I say that I have done particular justice to my inner motions. So perhaps part of the purpose of this space ought to be to establish some context for the things I am thinking and dreaming and scheming about. I want to leave some space for that now.
I've been floating lately. I feel very much like I am riding the crest of a renaissance. Whether this is a reality, or simply my inner state, I do not know. And what, exactly, the cause of this feeling or reality is I cannot pinpoint. Although I feel that my increased dedication to silence and reflection have opened many doors for me in the inner world.
To trace the contours of the events which have led me here. First, the time with Ken. Ken has deep pastoral charisms. Like a sensitive compass, taken out of a chaos of magnetic fields, speaking with him helped me to point true north in my heart. Dreams, aspirations, joys are a powerful indicator of what direction we should be walking; that is OK. I don't have to settle. I can follow Jesus until I get stuck, then I can follow him some more. Eating dinner with Andrew and Amanda subsequently, and dreaming together, was another sustaining exercise.
The second big event was the interview on Friday. It feels amazingly good to articulate oneself well. And I think I was able to articulate myself well in that instance because I understand my role as an interviewee and potential spiritual leader, and I have spent a lot of time contemplating my strengths and potential life as a worker in that area
Looking at seminaries has helped me to contemplate the future in broader and more concrete terms: I have really enjoyed that. And having all these projects and all this business to attend to has helped me to be less prone to get absorbed into entertainment.
It was good to get to Church and Mass again on Sunday. It was in that context that I had a powerful sense of the call to move upstream…It is sustaining for me to ask difficult questions, and think new thoughts.
Yesterday I went to Cru and the Taize service. What a contrast! The didactic community of Cru and the contemplative experience of Taize. Yet, mysteriously, they aren't altogether unrelated.
I realized some of what bothers me about Cru theology. There is this deep commitment to a single track of theology: to the sin-redemption narrative. Not that this isn't Biblical. It is simply limited: there's a lot more to the Bible et al. And it doesn't reach everybody. It doesn't connect with us in every phase of our life. There is just so much more I love about the Christian tradition and life: and here I am told it can fit into this tidy little box that can be shared in four spiritual laws.
Taize, on the other hand: it was wonderful to share my burgeoning love of silence with my wife. That is such a hard thing to communicate. Really, it can only be experienced, but it is tremendously difficult to ask someone to be silent with you.
Today I had the singular opportunity to hear a faculty of the Art Department talk about his life and work. It was astounding. Captivating. Stretching.
I am again reminded of my lament that, instead of physics, I should have spent some time studying studio art. But I am still young, there may be other opportunities for me. I never regret taking Classics.
Things that have been causing me anxiety. Last night, I was a real ass about my time with Andrew, and my time in silence. I was full of stinking pride for reasons I cannot discern. I worry a little bit that Shane thinks I'm not doing my job.
Yet these are things I can do little about but continue to do my best and run to and hide in God. May he give me the strength and love to continue.
